This too was a gift
Dealing with gifts and estrangement
Gift giving is a funny human ritual and many complex emotions underly it. Animals also do things that resemble gift giving, as anyone who has owned a cat will know, the joys of the unexpected dead mouse plopped in front of you. Crows are known to bring “gifts” of shiny objects, even money, to those who feed them regularly and, of course, our primate relatives have many gift-like behaviours. However, I think it’s only us humans who have created such depth and complexity to our exchange of gifts.
The act of giving and receiving presents has been an important part of human culture for thousands of years across the world. Underlying most of the historic gift exchanges was the desire to strengthen bonds, show loyalty or obedience, demonstrate respect, or appease a god. In modern times we probably don’t think very much about what our presents represent. However, in many respects, I’d hazard a guess that outside of giving gifts to our close loved ones (children, partner, etc) where we are hopefully doing it simply to give them joy, much of our gift giving doesn’t differ too much to that of our ancestors. After all, who hasn’t felt the deep unease of showing up without a gift when everyone else has brought one? How much of that discomfort stems from worries that the person will feel disrespected or that others will view us as rude? At the heart of those fears is perhaps a worry that we will be nudged out of the group for breaking the invisible code of gift-giving.
No contact and gift giving
All the above is turned on its head when we choose to cast ourselves outside of our family group. Even being estranged from one family member sends a message to the whole family that we are no longer fully inside the clan anymore. What then becomes of the gift rituals which bond people together?
I do know of people who continue to send gifts or cards to family members that they no longer choose to have close ties to, but I think most people, when undergoing a fully estrangement (rather than a quiet distancing of themselves), decide to make a clean break and cease all gifts.
Whilst you can cease to send gifts or post cards, you cannot control how the other party decides to handle things. I have read many accounts of people receiving gifts from those they are estranged from and it bringing great unease and anxiety, especially when the person is their parent. It’s likely that if you are estranged from a parent, you’ve probably not felt unconditionally loved. If you’ve not felt unconditionally loved, then you may associate the presents you have received from them over your lifetime with many negative feelings. Perhaps gifts came with many strings attached or demands that you show gratitude or that you reciprocate in some way. Perhaps you have never associated a gift from the person with joy or love. Now that your feelings are out in the open, the receipt of an unexpected gift will only heighten those negative associations. Was the gift sent to make you feel guilty? Is the person trying to buy your forgiveness after never acknowledging your feelings in the first place? Is the gift simply sent so that others can be told that they did send you a gift and you are an ungrateful wretch who never thanks them? Suddenly all the grief and pain that you had tried to process is back in your mind again as you wrestle with their motivations and what you are supposed to do with this unwanted thing.
Alternatively, it can also cause immense pain to see another birthday or Christmas pass without any acknowledgement from your parent. No matter what your childhood was like, birthdays and Christmas are deeply associated with your parents and not hearing from them at all on those days can cause pain too. Especially if you are still dealing with a part of you that is hoping that things may be resolved and that maybe your parent will become the person you’d like them to be, the one who does love you unconditionally.
You can see from this how it is also a dilemma for an estranged parent, do you respect their desire for no contact or do you send a gift anyway?
Sending gifts to estranged grandchildren
Things become even more complex if you have children. Parents often struggle to deal with unwanted gifts being sent to their children by grandparents who they believe have no interest in resolving things with them. Grandparents might only send gifts to their grandchildren whilst completely ignoring their own children’s special days. This will be interpreted as a message that they believe you are the guilty party blocking them from a relationship with their grandchildren. Dealing with an unwanted gift that you have received is much clearer cut than trying to work out what to do with a gift that has not been sent to you.
On the other hand, a grandparent may be grieving the loss of a relationship with their grandchild and the only connection they still have is to send a gift. As I have advised before, I would try as much as possible to facilitate a relationship between your child and a grandparent (unless they are unsafe for your child to be around). A person can be a very different grandparent to how they were as a parent and it is best to avoid severing the connection where possible. Not least because it may set in motion anger and resentment in your own child that you prevented them from the relationship.
Gift manipulation
It’s impossible to talk about unwanted gifts without thinking about the mythological story of the trojan horse (pictured above). If you’re not familiar with the story, here it is and it’s hard not to see some similarities with how gifts can feel when you’re estranged. The Trojans and the Greeks had been at war for ten years and the Greeks could not figure out a way to get past the Trojan city walls. Odysseus came up with a plan to construct a massive hollow wooden horse. The Greeks left the horse outside the Trojan walls and pretended to leave Troy. The Trojans celebrated, thinking they had won the war and took the horse in as a symbol of their victory. However, that night it turned out that a group of Greek soldiers had been hidden inside the horse. They crept out and opened the gates to the rest of the Greek army who then gained victory over the Trojans. Sometimes letting down your guard to accept a gift can create that tiny chink of weakness which brings far more suffering than the gift was worth.
Dealing with an unwanted gift
As always, I’m no expert but here’s what I think are some good approaches to dealing with gifts. I’ve narrowed it to parents but, of course, you can apply the advice to anyone.
Receiving an unwanted gift
Weigh up whether the gift will be useful to you or whether its presence will be a constant reminder of something you’d rather not think about. If the gift is meaningful or accompanied by a message expressing a desire to mend things, then maybe take time to think about whether you want a resolution. People make mistakes and people can change. If your heart is in that place, then it could be a time to consider asking if the person would consider family therapy or trying to open up an honest conversation. This is never the case for a parent who has been physically or sexually abusive or who has been knowingly very emotionally abusive.
Money is easier to keep without regret than objects. If you know that you are likely to be disinherited or feel that you are due the money (siblings have been favoured, etc) then by all means keep it and put it to good use. Alternatively, if the money makes you feel like they are trying to buy you and if money is how they exert power over others, send it back. It can be incredibly empowering to show true independence by refusing to be bought.
Personally, I would not keep an object if you do not believe it was sent with good intentions. If it’s something useful that will not remind you of them then keep it. Otherwise, give it to a charity shop and that way something good can come of it. I wouldn’t advise sending things back. It can create a back and forth which is likely to upset both parties further.
Not receiving a gift
All I can say is, I’m sorry if you are secretly hoping for a sign of love that doesn’t show up. I many estranged children may be secretly hoping things might get better or that their parent loves and misses us. However, if the other party has no intention of trying to understand your point of view, then not receiving gifts is cleaner. The first year or two will be hard but, ultimately, it’s a chance for a clean break. A chance to enjoy special moments without the shadow of the estrangement looming over things because of an unwanted parcel or card. It might be worth making plans around that time to support your well-being. Finally, you are enough. Your parent not valuing you and loving you says more about them than it does about you. Loving your child unconditionally is a cornerstone of being an emotionally mature and decent human being. Parents are supposed to see the best in their children.
Unwanted gifts to grandchildren
This one is very tricky and very dependent on the age of your child when the estrangement happened as well as how dangerous you think your parent is to your child. If your parent was dangerous to you when you were a child, then I would definitely block all gifts. Do not allow your parent to buy a route into your child’s heart that can be widened via social media down the line.
If your child has an established relationship with their grandparent, then I would suggest letting the gift giving continue. If the relationship breakdown was driven by matters between the two of you then I would not get involved in disrupting their relationship with your child. Allow your child to come to their own conclusion in time. Children do not react well to being controlled and nothing is more likely to push your child into viewing you negatively than you stopping them having a relationship with someone they love. It is always important to not allow your child to become a weapon in a fight between you and someone else.
If your children are very young or never really developed a particularly strong bond with the person, then you need to think things over quite deeply. If the person in question does not engage with trying to understand your point of view or trying to fix things, then look at it long term. Ultimately, it is always best to facilitate a grandparent-grandchild relationship. However, if you think they are using the gift to the grandchild to get to you then you may choose to not pass it on to your child until such point as you feel certain that you will be allowing a relationship between your child and their grandparent.
Gift giving as an estranged parent
I can see how reading all of this would be enraging and confusing. How do you get it right?!
I think a heartfelt card is far more likely to start a dialogue than an object is. I would strongly recommend writing a meaningful message and, if you want to send a gift, send something focused on them. Not something that represents you or that you hope will remind them of you. Lean into the interests they have or give them a voucher for a nice experience such as a massage. The goal is to try to remind them that you love them and that they should try to see the best in you.
I hope this article has been helpful. As always, I’m not an expert on anything. I’m just sharing my thoughts. Take what is useful and ignore what is not.
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I would love you to share your thoughts and feelings on gift giving and estrangement.
Great article, thank you!