Understanding the Roots of Sibling Estrangement

Making sense of the distance between people who once shared everything

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When we think about family estrangement, the focus tends to be on the rift between a child and their parent, but estrangement from a sibling is likely to be more common. A sibling is often the person with whom we share the longest relationship in our lives, but there is no clear cultural roadmap for how that relationship should function in adulthood.

It is a bond shaped by shared experiences and memories, but it’s not bound by the same sense of obligation that parent-child relationships typically carry. How often should siblings speak? What kind of support should they offer one another? The role is ill-defined, and that ambiguity can make estrangement feel less dramatic, after all, you don’t ‘owe’ your sibling anything.

Sibling relationships are heavily shaped by the family system they emerge from. The way parents treat their children and manage conflict between them, has a lasting impact on their relationships. In families marked by dysfunction, it can be especially hard for siblings to maintain a healthy connection. Without a model for resolving conflict or navigating clashing personalities, its easy for resentments to fester.

One of the most corrosive dynamics is parental favouritism. Parents who clearly favour one child over another, set in motion deep seated resentments between siblings. The favoured and less-favoured children may end up blaming each other for their parent’s behaviour or feeling the effects of that unequal treatment well into adulthood.

In families where abuse is present, sibling relationships often suffer further. One painful but common experience is when a child discloses abuse and their siblings don’t believe them, choosing instead to defend or align with the parent. This denial can feel like a second betrayal. Siblings are even sometimes drawn into participating in the negative treatment of one child, especially in families where one child is cast as the “scapegoat”. Another contributor to sibling estrangement is sibling abuse, this is abuse (physical, emotional and/or sexual) of one sibling by another sibling. While less frequently discussed, it is worryingly common and, unsurprisingly, the relationship is unlikely to survive adulthood.

Not all estrangements are marked by animosity though. Sometimes the relationship just never fully developed. A significant age gap, early separation (such as one sibling leaving home or custody with different parents), or simply having nothing in common can lead to a kind of passive estrangement. These are siblings who don’t fight but also don’t talk. They may not dislike each other, but there is no meaningful connection and, consequently, no desire to stay in touch.

Whilst many estrangements are rooted in childhood, some begin in adulthood. Life may pull siblings in different directions – geographically, financially, ideologically. Differing political views, parenting choices (or being parents at all) or relationships can create friction. Sometimes a crisis such as addiction, mental health struggles or criminal behaviour, can fracture a once close bond.

The influence of parents can remain powerful long after siblings have all left home. When one child becomes estranged from a parent, it often puts siblings in a difficult position. Some feel pressured to “take sides”. Others may be drawn into the role of mediator, often damaging their own relationship in the process. Trying to explain the reasons for parental estrangement to a sibling and not being believed can be especially hurtful, sometimes leaving the estranged child feeling they have no choice but to cut off their sibling too.

Conflict around inheritance is another common trigger. Parents who give unequal financial or practical support, or who leave behind an unequal will, may be putting the sibling relationship at risk if the situation is not carefully managed.

Care-giving for ageing parents is a particularly under-discussed source of sibling tensions. Invariably one sibling ends up doing the bulk of the work, due to proximity, life circumstances (for example needing to live with the parent for financial reasons or not having other caring responsibilities), personality or simply being the one who steps up. That sibling may feel overburdened and resentful, while the others may feel unfairly judged or excluded. Resentment on either side can quietly erode the relationship.

Within all this discussion of the reasons behind sibling estrangement (and there are far more than those mentioned here), you start to build a picture of how there are different levels of sibling relationships within an estrangement. Some will be estranged from a sibling that they might describe as hateful or toxic, being around their sibling feels dangerous or extremely unpleasant. Some might find being around their sibling stressful and choose to minimise contact for that reason, rather than necessarily not liking them. Particularly if your sibling reminds you of aspects of your childhood or parents that you’d rather forget. Finally, some people feel nothing about their sibling, there’s no connection. They are just two people who happened to grow up under the same roof.

In the past, low-contact sibling relationships were easier to maintain. Distance, travel costs and long-distance call charges provided convenient excuses for minimal interaction. The invention of free and constant communication with apps such as WhatsApp and Zoom, makes absence more visible. Ignoring messages or choosing not to engage can feel more deliberate now. As a result, many people feel the need to formalise their estrangement by blocking a sibling or unfollowing them, making it clear the relationship is over. While this might be necessary for mental health reasons, it can have ripple effects, impacting relationships with other siblings, extended family or even nieces and nephews. For this reason, when possible, maintaining a low-contact relationship, rather than severing ties, can be a less damaging path.

Sibling estrangement is layered and complex. It’s often rooted in childhood but shaped by adulthood. It can feel lonely and hard to talk about but it’s far more common than many of us realise.

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I’d love to read your thoughts and experiences of sibling estrangement.