Hello and thank you for your posts! They certainly give me "food for thought". While all situations are different, my own experiences are that I find it better to communicate intent, rather than be left wondering. No abuse in my story, but a history of estrangement from my own (deceased) parents (mental illness in one of them), and now with one of my own adult children. Thank you again, for writing about this very painful topic. 🩷
From a parents view, any alteration to a parent/child relationship that is not communicated is by definition a mal adaptive strategy leaving either the parent or the adult child in the dark as to the shift.
As an adult child of abusive parents, communicating my intent to set boundaries/reduce contact made things much worse very fast… leading to slander, verbal abuse/cussing me out, and even physical/legal threats.
We need to be very careful with general statements about communication in estranged relationships. What may seem “maladaptive” in a healthy dynamic can be a necessary act of protection in an unsafe one.
Implying that all boundary shifts must be announced can unintentionally shame those who chose silent distance for their safety—and worse, it could encourage someone to put themselves in harm’s way just to do the “right thing.” Every situation is different. Safety must always come first. I understand that not everyone understands abuse well, so please know my intention isn’t to shame but to educate in good faith here.
In an adult to adult relationship it is surely helpful to communicate about one's wishes or needs without undue fear of the reaction. Causing hurt or being hurt is preferable, in my view, to losing trust, the foundation of the relationship.
I agree with you. Being honest is usually best. However, did you not find with your parents that sometimes it was easier to not hurt their feelings where possible?
Is it necessary to announce to someone that you’ll be calling them less?
Sometimes someone just needs space. Telling the other person is likely to result in them needing reassurance and that is likely to make you feel that you have even less space.
Hi T Stevens- interesting point- as a guideline I think words left unsaid create far more room for interpretation than a kindly created notice of an intent to step back. Thereafter claiming one’s space contains nothing but clarity of purpose. We have no control over the hurt feelings of other and no need to assuage those feelings either. All of that is very different than not calling anymore.
Jennifer - this is an interesting point. Would you be able to give me some examples of how you, as a parent, would want a child to communicate their need to lessen contact with you (not cut contact)? What ways could they say it that wouldn't feel hurtful to you?
I used to care so much about not “hurting their feelings,” but looking back, it was never really about empathy—it was about survival. I needed to protect myself emotionally and physically just to make it through childhood. Sure, there might’ve been some trauma-bonded empathy (like we see in Stockholm Syndrome, which is common in abusive parent-child dynamics). But let’s be honest—why would a child truly care about sparing the feelings of someone who shows no care for theirs? In dysfunctional families, it’s not about kindness. It’s about self-protection. Plain and simple.
HI Megan-- so true where dysfunction, abuse is present. I am generally not writing about the end of the Estrangement spectrum and certainly those cases would be dealt with differently.
It’s always hard to know with these threads where frame of reference a comment is coming from. Generally, most comments on this (and other forums) tend to be from the far right of the spectrum where there is a history of egregious behaviors. So trying to make a middle of the road comment about communication between two parties is difficult at best.
In general and in the absence of egregious behaviors, not communicating in some fashion an intent to abdicate the relationship is simply not communicating, not engaging
Totally get what you’re saying—and I agree that nuance is important. But like you mentioned, most people in these conversations are dealing with extreme, often egregious situations. So when we’re talking about estrangement, it makes more sense to center the conversation around those who are healing from real abuse and trying to make sense of their experience, rather than framing it around the exception of healthy dynamics—which usually aren’t the issue here when discussing family estrangement.
Hello Megan- I don’t see that in my practice - while research supports estrangement secondary to various types of abuse as a causative factor; by and large this is not the salient factor. I am speaking of those families and parents who have no contact and are left wondering why. These are primarily the situations I deal with on a far more regular basis.
That being said it’s not possible to step forward, initiate a dialogue all in the absence of contact. It’s like being in a dark closet with all the lights off, asking and answering your own questions. TY for weighing in.
Thank you for sharing that insight especially given that it seems your practice appears to center on estranged parents. I can understand how the narratives you hear most often would reflect that perspective you mentioned.
From my experience within a large and growing community of estranged adult children, however, the patterns often look very different. Many have made sincere, respectful attempts to communicate concerns with their parents…sometimes multiple times…only to be met with denial, minimization, or further harm. The screenshots posted are pretty telling but I’ve noticed estranged parents groups won’t use screenshots, perhaps because a screenshot of the entire conversation would show the false narrative they’ve created of the situation. For me, I said “I would love to talk when you’re willing to listen without calling me names and verbally attacking me,” and was told to “f*ck off” and that I am an “evil, vicious Christian.” Then they told everyone I am mentally ill and delusional….
So, When adult children finally choose to step away for their own well-being, the parents then claim to any outsider that will give them sympathy that they were “cut off without explanation” or “given no chance to talk.” It’s incredibly disorienting to witness the same people who refused honest dialogue later tell others that none was ever offered. This is a form of bearing false witness.
I think this is part of why many adult children are wary of the narratives that frame estrangement as “mysterious” or unprovoked.”It’s not that we dismiss all parental perspectives—it’s that we’ve seen how easily accountability can be evaded when only one side of the story is told in therapy or counseling spaces.
In my own case, I’m certain my parents never disclosed the emotional and psychological abuse I endured, but likely focused solely on how my reactions harmed them. This is in addition to them going to a friend for their therapist and colluding with him to try and contact my therapist and get information out of her (and my abuser is a PTSD therapist himself).
I’m the first to acknowledge that some of my responses, shaped by years of trauma, weren’t always graceful but they were human. And I’ve worked hard to reflect on them with both honesty and compassion.
Thank you again for engaging thoughtfully. These conversations matter.
Most definitely Megan- I’m greatly sorry for your life experience with your parents- like most things in life, there are really not 2 sides to every coin. There are 3. The edge must be considered as well.
I enjoy the healthy insights gain by being receptive to the “edge”
Joanna- in my past work (in healthcare) there was a in depth course titled Crucial Conversations- the intent was to arm those of us in leadership roles with the insights and skills necessary to engage difficult issues with others. This has provided me the reflective thought that it’s not inherently “easy” or a yippee skipper moment to sit down and expose yourself OR know how to deal with someone else who is exposing themselves- the empathy required and lots of self awareness go a long way
Yes, that makes sense. As long as there is not outright dishonesty or deception (passive or active). If an adult child allows their parent to believe over years and years that they (the adult child) are, in terms of values, the person their parent wants them to be rather the person they actually are (someone they are confident their parent would not 'approve of'), the shock if/when the parent discovers the truth can be akin to trauma (and I do not use the word lightly).
Yes, I agree that a child should give their parent the chance to accept their values or identity.
I was referring to where the child has been open and it hasn’t been accepted.
Of course, some parents are very likely to not accept their child’s values or identity, this rejection would be extremely painful for the child and that’s why they may choose to keep it secret.
This is a very thoughtful and well-rounded post on low contact…thank you for writing it with such care, as you always do. I just wanted to gently offer one addition for consideration.
The line, “Low contact is not suitable in cases of physical or sexual abuse, where no contact is necessary for healing,” might unintentionally suggest that no contact is only valid in those cases. But many survivors, including those of the most horrific physical and sexual abuse, have shared in books and memoirs that it was the emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse that caused the deepest, most lasting wounds. Books like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw reflect this, along with countless survivor testimonies.
As a society, we often rank abuse perhaps because physical or sexual abuse leaves visible scars and is (thankfully) less prevalent, while emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse is rampant, leaves invisible wounds, and is thus minimized and dismissed by societal conditioning. But all abuse can devastate the brain, body, and spirit. When we begin to truly heal those invisible wounds, we often become even more sensitive to triggers, and this heightened sensitivity with continued contact can escalate the abuse. In many cases, no contact becomes necessary—not out of vengeance, but out of wisdom, self-preservation, and care to work towards genuine healing.
We should never shame survivors for needing no contact, even if the abuse wasn’t physical or sexual. Every person’s threshold, trauma, and healing timeline is different.
Of course, my hope is to one day reestablish contact—however minimal—once healing has taken deeper root. I long for the day when their cruelty rolls off my back because my inner child will finally know: it was never about my lack of worth, but about their unhealed wounds.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful post. I hope it’s okay to share this reflection as a fellow trauma survivor. ❤️🩹
This is such a good point. I have updated my post to reflect that emotional abuse can also be a justification for estrangement. I do hope you know that how someone treats you reflects them and not you.
Hello and thank you for your posts! They certainly give me "food for thought". While all situations are different, my own experiences are that I find it better to communicate intent, rather than be left wondering. No abuse in my story, but a history of estrangement from my own (deceased) parents (mental illness in one of them), and now with one of my own adult children. Thank you again, for writing about this very painful topic. 🩷
From a parents view, any alteration to a parent/child relationship that is not communicated is by definition a mal adaptive strategy leaving either the parent or the adult child in the dark as to the shift.
As an adult child of abusive parents, communicating my intent to set boundaries/reduce contact made things much worse very fast… leading to slander, verbal abuse/cussing me out, and even physical/legal threats.
We need to be very careful with general statements about communication in estranged relationships. What may seem “maladaptive” in a healthy dynamic can be a necessary act of protection in an unsafe one.
Implying that all boundary shifts must be announced can unintentionally shame those who chose silent distance for their safety—and worse, it could encourage someone to put themselves in harm’s way just to do the “right thing.” Every situation is different. Safety must always come first. I understand that not everyone understands abuse well, so please know my intention isn’t to shame but to educate in good faith here.
In an adult to adult relationship it is surely helpful to communicate about one's wishes or needs without undue fear of the reaction. Causing hurt or being hurt is preferable, in my view, to losing trust, the foundation of the relationship.
I agree with you. Being honest is usually best. However, did you not find with your parents that sometimes it was easier to not hurt their feelings where possible?
Is it necessary to announce to someone that you’ll be calling them less?
Sometimes someone just needs space. Telling the other person is likely to result in them needing reassurance and that is likely to make you feel that you have even less space.
Hi T Stevens- interesting point- as a guideline I think words left unsaid create far more room for interpretation than a kindly created notice of an intent to step back. Thereafter claiming one’s space contains nothing but clarity of purpose. We have no control over the hurt feelings of other and no need to assuage those feelings either. All of that is very different than not calling anymore.
Jennifer - this is an interesting point. Would you be able to give me some examples of how you, as a parent, would want a child to communicate their need to lessen contact with you (not cut contact)? What ways could they say it that wouldn't feel hurtful to you?
Hi T Stevens: It isn't so much the delivery its just being commuicated with at all.
I used to care so much about not “hurting their feelings,” but looking back, it was never really about empathy—it was about survival. I needed to protect myself emotionally and physically just to make it through childhood. Sure, there might’ve been some trauma-bonded empathy (like we see in Stockholm Syndrome, which is common in abusive parent-child dynamics). But let’s be honest—why would a child truly care about sparing the feelings of someone who shows no care for theirs? In dysfunctional families, it’s not about kindness. It’s about self-protection. Plain and simple.
HI Megan-- so true where dysfunction, abuse is present. I am generally not writing about the end of the Estrangement spectrum and certainly those cases would be dealt with differently.
It’s always hard to know with these threads where frame of reference a comment is coming from. Generally, most comments on this (and other forums) tend to be from the far right of the spectrum where there is a history of egregious behaviors. So trying to make a middle of the road comment about communication between two parties is difficult at best.
In general and in the absence of egregious behaviors, not communicating in some fashion an intent to abdicate the relationship is simply not communicating, not engaging
That’s all I was trying to say
Totally get what you’re saying—and I agree that nuance is important. But like you mentioned, most people in these conversations are dealing with extreme, often egregious situations. So when we’re talking about estrangement, it makes more sense to center the conversation around those who are healing from real abuse and trying to make sense of their experience, rather than framing it around the exception of healthy dynamics—which usually aren’t the issue here when discussing family estrangement.
Hello Megan- I don’t see that in my practice - while research supports estrangement secondary to various types of abuse as a causative factor; by and large this is not the salient factor. I am speaking of those families and parents who have no contact and are left wondering why. These are primarily the situations I deal with on a far more regular basis.
That being said it’s not possible to step forward, initiate a dialogue all in the absence of contact. It’s like being in a dark closet with all the lights off, asking and answering your own questions. TY for weighing in.
Thank you for sharing that insight especially given that it seems your practice appears to center on estranged parents. I can understand how the narratives you hear most often would reflect that perspective you mentioned.
From my experience within a large and growing community of estranged adult children, however, the patterns often look very different. Many have made sincere, respectful attempts to communicate concerns with their parents…sometimes multiple times…only to be met with denial, minimization, or further harm. The screenshots posted are pretty telling but I’ve noticed estranged parents groups won’t use screenshots, perhaps because a screenshot of the entire conversation would show the false narrative they’ve created of the situation. For me, I said “I would love to talk when you’re willing to listen without calling me names and verbally attacking me,” and was told to “f*ck off” and that I am an “evil, vicious Christian.” Then they told everyone I am mentally ill and delusional….
So, When adult children finally choose to step away for their own well-being, the parents then claim to any outsider that will give them sympathy that they were “cut off without explanation” or “given no chance to talk.” It’s incredibly disorienting to witness the same people who refused honest dialogue later tell others that none was ever offered. This is a form of bearing false witness.
I think this is part of why many adult children are wary of the narratives that frame estrangement as “mysterious” or unprovoked.”It’s not that we dismiss all parental perspectives—it’s that we’ve seen how easily accountability can be evaded when only one side of the story is told in therapy or counseling spaces.
In my own case, I’m certain my parents never disclosed the emotional and psychological abuse I endured, but likely focused solely on how my reactions harmed them. This is in addition to them going to a friend for their therapist and colluding with him to try and contact my therapist and get information out of her (and my abuser is a PTSD therapist himself).
I’m the first to acknowledge that some of my responses, shaped by years of trauma, weren’t always graceful but they were human. And I’ve worked hard to reflect on them with both honesty and compassion.
Thank you again for engaging thoughtfully. These conversations matter.
Most definitely Megan- I’m greatly sorry for your life experience with your parents- like most things in life, there are really not 2 sides to every coin. There are 3. The edge must be considered as well.
I enjoy the healthy insights gain by being receptive to the “edge”
Good luck with your work- stay in touch 🌸
Joanna- in my past work (in healthcare) there was a in depth course titled Crucial Conversations- the intent was to arm those of us in leadership roles with the insights and skills necessary to engage difficult issues with others. This has provided me the reflective thought that it’s not inherently “easy” or a yippee skipper moment to sit down and expose yourself OR know how to deal with someone else who is exposing themselves- the empathy required and lots of self awareness go a long way
This book, “Crucial Conversations,” is a great tool for anyone to have!
Yes, that makes sense. As long as there is not outright dishonesty or deception (passive or active). If an adult child allows their parent to believe over years and years that they (the adult child) are, in terms of values, the person their parent wants them to be rather the person they actually are (someone they are confident their parent would not 'approve of'), the shock if/when the parent discovers the truth can be akin to trauma (and I do not use the word lightly).
That is such an interesting point.
Yes, I agree that a child should give their parent the chance to accept their values or identity.
I was referring to where the child has been open and it hasn’t been accepted.
Of course, some parents are very likely to not accept their child’s values or identity, this rejection would be extremely painful for the child and that’s why they may choose to keep it secret.
This is a very thoughtful and well-rounded post on low contact…thank you for writing it with such care, as you always do. I just wanted to gently offer one addition for consideration.
The line, “Low contact is not suitable in cases of physical or sexual abuse, where no contact is necessary for healing,” might unintentionally suggest that no contact is only valid in those cases. But many survivors, including those of the most horrific physical and sexual abuse, have shared in books and memoirs that it was the emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse that caused the deepest, most lasting wounds. Books like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw reflect this, along with countless survivor testimonies.
As a society, we often rank abuse perhaps because physical or sexual abuse leaves visible scars and is (thankfully) less prevalent, while emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse is rampant, leaves invisible wounds, and is thus minimized and dismissed by societal conditioning. But all abuse can devastate the brain, body, and spirit. When we begin to truly heal those invisible wounds, we often become even more sensitive to triggers, and this heightened sensitivity with continued contact can escalate the abuse. In many cases, no contact becomes necessary—not out of vengeance, but out of wisdom, self-preservation, and care to work towards genuine healing.
We should never shame survivors for needing no contact, even if the abuse wasn’t physical or sexual. Every person’s threshold, trauma, and healing timeline is different.
Of course, my hope is to one day reestablish contact—however minimal—once healing has taken deeper root. I long for the day when their cruelty rolls off my back because my inner child will finally know: it was never about my lack of worth, but about their unhealed wounds.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful post. I hope it’s okay to share this reflection as a fellow trauma survivor. ❤️🩹
This is such a good point. I have updated my post to reflect that emotional abuse can also be a justification for estrangement. I do hope you know that how someone treats you reflects them and not you.