Low Contact: A Preventative Step, Not a Path to Estrangement
Why creating space might save the relationship
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“Low contact” is often misunderstood as a step towards estrangement. A quick search will show it framed as a slippery slope (and I’m pretty sure a lot of parents would certainly view it that way) - but I’d argue the opposite. When done kindly, low contact can preserve a relationship that might otherwise breakdown completely.
What is low contact?
Low contact means intentionally reducing both the frequency and depth of contact with a person, generally a close family member. Usually without announcing the change (though some might advise otherwise). It’s a quiet shift designed to protect your wellbeing without directly hurting the other person.
In my post on the estrangement spectrum, I outline eight dimensions of relational distance. Low contact gently adjusts each of these dials, helping you recalibrate the relationship while keeping the door open.
How low contact affects the eight estrangement components
1. Communication quality
You share less of your emotional world. You might talk about your job but not your anxieties, or mention your partner’s career but not your plans to have children. What’s withheld depends on what aspects of the relationship feel harmful.
2. Communication quantity
You engage less often – fewer calls, texts or visits. This is flexible to each relationship as the expected quantity of communication varies by family. It may be a dance between communication quantity and quality. For example, you may choose to increase your emails to a family member but reduce your in-person contact, if that mode of communication is more manageable and less likely to result in upset for both parties.
3. Physical distance
Moving cities or simply living further apart can ease pressure. If possible, increasing physical distance can reduce communication quantity and quality by default without hurting anyone’s feelings, if there are other reasons for the move too. However, it can have the unexpected side effect of making the times you do see each other more intense, for example having a parent to stay in your home for weeks at a time.
4. Presence/absence of emotion
With time and distance, your emotional responses can soften. Instead of constant stress or resentment, you might feel neutrality or even compassion. The goal of going low contact is to foster a lower level of emotion. Low contact gives space to build up other aspects of your life and gain perspective on the person. For example, if you frequently have conflict with a parent, that conflict is likely impacting other aspects of your life such as your relationship with your partner and/or children. Going low contact may give you space to get your relationship with your partner/children stronger and give you a chance to stabilise your emotional reactivity. As your emotional reactivity lessens, you may find it easier to see the good in your parent and find ways to connect with them that don’t trigger conflict.
5. Positive/negative affect
Low contact can help the relationship shift out of a cycle of negativity. It can create space to examine one’s own emotions and one’s own role in the relationship. By lowering expectations in both parties, each person may start to notice and appreciate the person’s positive traits again.
6. Reconciliation/desire to be a family
This approach keeps you in the family circle, important for maintaining ties with siblings, extended family or allowing your child to know their grandparents. Estrangement tends to be detrimental to all family relationships, often resulting in being cut-off by siblings and extended family. It blocks family gatherings and can prevent a grandparent-grandchild relationship from continuing or being created.
7. Role reciprocity
It sustains the ability to fulfil family roles. For example, it retains space to be able to support a parent in ill-health to the extent that is manageable. It might allow you have a father walk you up the aisle, preventing a very public rift.
8. Taking legal action
Going low contact can reduce the likelihood of dramatic measures like disinheritance or changing surname. It provides distance without severance.
When is low contact appropriate?
Low contact is not suitable in cases of physical, sexual or severe emotional abuse, where no contact is necessary for healing. But it can be a valuable option when someone’s behaviour – though hurtful – is shaped by mental illness, trauma or addiction.
It is especially useful when:
· You love the person but can’t engage healthily with them.
· A family member’s presence harms your relationship, children or peace of mind.
· You need space from a parent’s criticisms or control.
Should you tell the person?
Usually, no. A gradual shift in the relationship avoids unnecessary conflict. The aim of low contact is not to hurt or punish the person. If they ask, tailor your honesty to what they can handle.
For example, if you have a parent or sibling who is highly critical of your partner, you might say kindly but firmly:
“You often criticise my partner, which causes tension. I need to prioritise my relationship, this is why we are visiting less.”
If you have a family member who criticises your appearance or your lifestyle choices, you might say:
“After our calls, I often feel bad about myself. I know you love me, but I’ve reduced how often we talk to protect my self-esteem.”
Still, many situations make even gentle honesty risky. Saying you’re busy can be a safer route.
For parents reading this
You likely feel hurt at the idea of your child pulling back. Or angry that I appear to be encouraging it.
Here’s what I ask you to consider:
Low contact is about preserving what is left. It’s chosen when someone still values the relationship but can’t go on as-is.
You can’t control your adult child, nor should you want to. Pressuring or guilting them will ultimately drive them further away.
Space can help healing. Constant digital access means adult children today can feel more smothered than previous generations. Sometimes space is what lets love resurface.
A child becoming an adult shifts the balance. They don’t need unsolicited advice. They don’t need to hear your opinions on their lifestyle or partner. They need to be respected as an adult.
The ethical value of low contact
Sometimes low contact is a way to ethically stay connected to a family member who is unwell, addicted or emotionally volatile, without sacrificing your own stability.
As a parent, your goal should be your child’s wellbeing. Low contact allows them to protect their peace while still offering support where they can. It can be the only way to care without drowning in someone else’s negativity or chaos.
Low contact is not supposed to be cruel. When done well it builds a compassionate boundary. It can be a bridge between complete involvement and complete cut-off, giving space to heal, reflect and maybe reconnect in a healthier way.
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Hello and thank you for your posts! They certainly give me "food for thought". While all situations are different, my own experiences are that I find it better to communicate intent, rather than be left wondering. No abuse in my story, but a history of estrangement from my own (deceased) parents (mental illness in one of them), and now with one of my own adult children. Thank you again, for writing about this very painful topic. 🩷
From a parents view, any alteration to a parent/child relationship that is not communicated is by definition a mal adaptive strategy leaving either the parent or the adult child in the dark as to the shift.