So familiar......my mom's dad took off when she was 12...and her mom started drinking heavily at the bar down the street.. till wee hours. One night...the bar called my mom to come and get her off the roof where she was threatening to jump. At 13, in winter,my mom raced over..in PJs n' slippers and took her back home. So, like you, my mom, always expected me to take care of her needs. I felt like an adult at such a tender age. It's a heavy burden not to be free spirited as a child. Glad you are escaping from that prison. To be able to express what you feel...is a true blessing.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m sorry this happened to you! It’s so striking how trauma gets passed down through the generations - wounded children parenting from a wounded place. That’s why it’s so complex, because we and our parents are humans with wounds but as parents we also have to make the choice to try and heal and grow for our children - and that work is an added burden borne of trauma, which complicates it even further. And too often it’s the children who pay for it, like you said - losing the ability to be free spirits in childhood, having to pay a debt to the parent that they didn’t incur themselves. It’s a tragedy all around! Thank you again for sharing
I like the line you used about not getting to be a free spirit as a child. I really relate to that too. All I want for my children is that they get to enjoy childhood as it’s own phase of life and that they can focus on themselves during that life phase. I certainly did not experience that myself as a child.
Wow!! As a therapist it is so hard to hear the mother who so clearly was an emotional untreated mess and how this was passed fown to her daughter who then came out of it with her own trauma and its consequence to her daughter….from generation to generation
Soooo very sad!!!!
But the expression and writing is so superb!! Thank you!
Thank you so much! The intergenerational cycle is so intense - so insidious and difficult to break, and something I think about constantly. Thanks so much for reading
Dear J--Thanks for your lovely and strange thoughts on paper. I don't think that I ever saw someone reveal so much of the inner landscape as you did, and find echoes of expectation in my own dysfunctional family. Very deep, revealing, and sad-with a twist, as you seem to have found your bearings in this world. Take care. S
Thank you so much for this comment! I’m so glad you found something that resonated with you, though I’m sorry your experience has things in common with mine. Thank you again
This is heart wrenching. As a mother, it is impossible to understand how any mother could have this expectation of their child. Was she really that out of touch? Would she have wanted to be this for her mother? I’m so sorry you experienced this pressure.
Thank you for this kind comment! I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the answers to those questions. I think the most generous explanation is that her struggles totally eclipsed her ability to see beyond herself. I can really only theorize. Thank you for reading!
I have to admit that I raise my kids through a lens of fear even though I desperately love them. It has had its consequences for sure and I take full responsibility, but I’m not like that now. If I could change it, I would I just pray they’re happy.
It’s so hard not to! I know that for me, my parent recognizing their mistakes and taking responsibility the way you’re describing doing would have made such a big difference for me in our relationship - and I also find solace in that because I know fear is going to be such a big part of my parenting, whether I like it or not, so I just hope I can be as aware and open in hindsight as possible. Thank you so much for your vulnerable comment!
I think that you’re going to be great. Knowledge is half the battle. I truly didn’t see it and I regret it very deeply. I don’t know if things will ever be the same with my kids and I hate that, but I also know that their timetable to forgive me is not my business. I must learn to forgive myself - because waiting for them to forgive me so that I can be happy is pretty much the same pressure I put on them as kids. I’ve got to break the chain somehow with the god of my understanding and honesty.
So familiar......my mom's dad took off when she was 12...and her mom started drinking heavily at the bar down the street.. till wee hours. One night...the bar called my mom to come and get her off the roof where she was threatening to jump. At 13, in winter,my mom raced over..in PJs n' slippers and took her back home. So, like you, my mom, always expected me to take care of her needs. I felt like an adult at such a tender age. It's a heavy burden not to be free spirited as a child. Glad you are escaping from that prison. To be able to express what you feel...is a true blessing.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m sorry this happened to you! It’s so striking how trauma gets passed down through the generations - wounded children parenting from a wounded place. That’s why it’s so complex, because we and our parents are humans with wounds but as parents we also have to make the choice to try and heal and grow for our children - and that work is an added burden borne of trauma, which complicates it even further. And too often it’s the children who pay for it, like you said - losing the ability to be free spirits in childhood, having to pay a debt to the parent that they didn’t incur themselves. It’s a tragedy all around! Thank you again for sharing
I like the line you used about not getting to be a free spirit as a child. I really relate to that too. All I want for my children is that they get to enjoy childhood as it’s own phase of life and that they can focus on themselves during that life phase. I certainly did not experience that myself as a child.
Wow!! As a therapist it is so hard to hear the mother who so clearly was an emotional untreated mess and how this was passed fown to her daughter who then came out of it with her own trauma and its consequence to her daughter….from generation to generation
Soooo very sad!!!!
But the expression and writing is so superb!! Thank you!
Thank you so much! The intergenerational cycle is so intense - so insidious and difficult to break, and something I think about constantly. Thanks so much for reading
Dear J--Thanks for your lovely and strange thoughts on paper. I don't think that I ever saw someone reveal so much of the inner landscape as you did, and find echoes of expectation in my own dysfunctional family. Very deep, revealing, and sad-with a twist, as you seem to have found your bearings in this world. Take care. S
Thank you so much for this comment! I’m so glad you found something that resonated with you, though I’m sorry your experience has things in common with mine. Thank you again
This is heart wrenching. As a mother, it is impossible to understand how any mother could have this expectation of their child. Was she really that out of touch? Would she have wanted to be this for her mother? I’m so sorry you experienced this pressure.
Thank you for this kind comment! I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the answers to those questions. I think the most generous explanation is that her struggles totally eclipsed her ability to see beyond herself. I can really only theorize. Thank you for reading!
I have to admit that I raise my kids through a lens of fear even though I desperately love them. It has had its consequences for sure and I take full responsibility, but I’m not like that now. If I could change it, I would I just pray they’re happy.
It’s so hard not to! I know that for me, my parent recognizing their mistakes and taking responsibility the way you’re describing doing would have made such a big difference for me in our relationship - and I also find solace in that because I know fear is going to be such a big part of my parenting, whether I like it or not, so I just hope I can be as aware and open in hindsight as possible. Thank you so much for your vulnerable comment!
I think that you’re going to be great. Knowledge is half the battle. I truly didn’t see it and I regret it very deeply. I don’t know if things will ever be the same with my kids and I hate that, but I also know that their timetable to forgive me is not my business. I must learn to forgive myself - because waiting for them to forgive me so that I can be happy is pretty much the same pressure I put on them as kids. I’ve got to break the chain somehow with the god of my understanding and honesty.
It’s amazing that you can acknowledge that. I think it’s very common to have some kind of unhelpful lens when we’re raising kids.