Prince Harry’s estrangement and what it teaches us

What one royal feud reveals about the dynamics of family estrangement

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Another week, another chapter in the ongoing royal family estrangement drama. It’s a topic that continues to draw people in, not because we necessarily care deeply about the monarchy (although many do), but because we recognise something familiar in the dysfunction playing out. Whether its sibling rivalry, emotionally distant fathers, or the pain of being misunderstood, these themes resonate far beyond the pomp and pageantry.

This week Harry lost his appeal over taxpayer-funded security during UK visits. I watched the BBC interview that followed, and I must admit I struggled to stay focused. There was the distinct feeling of someone emotionally stuck. Akin to listening to someone divorced who still needs to talk it out, long after everyone else has moved on. You understand the pain, but after a while, it starts to wear thin.

To be clear, I remain sympathetic to Harry. I find the monarchy consistently problematic. The notion that someone is born into privilege, entitled to reverence and vast public funding simply by birthright, feels archaic. At the same time, I recognise the institution has value: diplomacy, charity work, tourism. Their roles are also strangely contradictory. Do we envy them, or do we pity them? They’re extremely privileged yet personally constrained. We’ve seen this in Charles’s unhappy marriage to Diana and in Harry’s curtailed military career. Their upbringings sound bleak, more institutional than familial. Charles, himself no stranger to the tell-all memoir, described his parents as cold and distant.

So, when Harry claimed his family had been unsupportive, even racist, towards his wife, many people, including me, believed him. The trauma of his mother’s death, met with public protocol and not private compassion, was formative. His role as “the spare” would have inevitably shaped his relationships. It’s also not a stretch to believe that the royals are competitive and did not like the initial popularity of Harry and Meghan.

His experience mirrors the common threads of estrangement:

· A major trauma without support

· Sibling favouritism on full display

· Sibling competitiveness

· Poor family communication

· A divorce and remarriage introducing tension

· A partner who challenges long-held, often toxic family norms

· Mental health struggles ignored or dismissed

When Harry left royal duties and moved to America, many applauded him. It took courage to leave such an entrenched system, to prioritise his mental health and his family. Harry was always the more likeable royal. He risked his life in service, seemed fun and brought a rare touch of humanity to “the firm”.

But somewhere along the way, he overplayed his hand. Public sympathy has dwindled. Maybe it’s the economic climate, it’s hard to sympathise with a millionaire. Maybe it’s the lacklustre content from Harry and Meghan’s Netflix deal, which failed to reveal any meaningful depth. Still, Harry’s security concerns are legitimate. He is a high-profile target – though any would-be kidnappers must realise that his family are unlikely to pay the ransom!

Regardless of where you stand on Harry, his story is a textbook example of how estrangements can play out. From the outside, it may look like Harry initiated the separation. But look closer, and it looks more like his refusal to obey orders and accept mistreatment resulted in him being slowly pushed out. He rejected the family script, questioned the hierarchy and challenged the culture of silence, and he was punished for it.

It's deeply sad to see the apparent lack of effort from his father to reconcile nor any eagerness to see his grandchildren. It must hurt. But Harry also seems caught in a loop, trying to communicate, to be understood and continually missing the mark. That cycle is painfully familiar to anyone who has experienced estrangement. Often, both sides get stuck, repeating the same attempts at contact or explanation, without ever being heard.

At some point acceptance becomes necessary. Harry may need to accept the royal family for what it is. Just as many estranged individuals must come to terms with what their parents or siblings are capable – or incapable – of giving. He has two paths, as most estranged people do: move forward without them, or pursue reconciliation.

It does not seem to be possible for Harry to move forward with his life and that was something I found profoundly sad about the interview. He has a beautiful family, a life many would envy and opportunities to carve out a new identity. A quieter, more grounded existence could bring real peace. I can easily imagine him hosting thoughtful documentaries on military history, sports or mental health. Building a life around service, purpose and privacy. Letting go of trying to explain why he’s been wronged and ceasing to mention the royals. In doing so, he might find that a life well-lived is the best revenge.

Alternatively, if reconciliation is what he truly wants, the strategy has to change. He needs to fully comprehend that he can only change himself and that he needs to fully understand and accept his father (and brother). The way he is communicating is not working. If Harry wants a relationship with his father or brother, he will need to reflect not on what they should understand, but on what they can understand. And then find a way to speak to that version of them. Reconciliation is not about proving who is right, it’s about choosing to prioritise the relationship over winning.

Anyone estranged, royal or not, has to truly look inwards to see which kind of peace they are willing to pursue.

If you are interested in reading Harry’s memoir, below is a link to my bookshop page. I receive 10% of the purchase price and 10% is also given to independent bookshops. It’s a great way to support my work and not make Jeff Bezos richer!

Order here for American readers

Order here for British and European readers

Subscription benefit

This spring you can receive 20% off an annual subscription. Furthermore, founding members can access an additional benefit. All founding members can email me directly about their estrangement (or any family trouble) and will receive up to four personalised responses.

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