Agony Aunt Letters and Family Estrangement

Insights into estrangement from problem pages

I’ve decided to introduce a new on-going feature to Family Estrangement; a monthly newsletter focused on an ‘Agony Aunt’-style dilemma for paid subscribers. These letters where someone writes in with a personal problem, are often a goldmine for insight. Especially when it comes to navigating messy or painful family relationships, they offer a window into how others struggle and reveal professional advice on the issue. However, their greatest value, I think, is that you don’t have all the information. You are only seeing one person’s edited perspective. On the surface this seems like a drawback as the information is limited by the writer’s self-awareness (or lack of it). But that’s what makes these letters useful. They encourage us to read between the lines, to imagine missing context, and to reflect on why we are drawn to certain interpretations. This exercise can actually boost your own self-awareness, an important step in building healthy, honest relationships. It forces you to consider how others might experience you.

This month’s problem

This week’s letter comes from a concerned parent. Their almost-18-year-old son is dating a 19-year-old woman, his first proper relationship. He’s infatuated. He’s stopped seeing friends and spends every spare moment with her, even when apart they are permanently in contact via remote gaming. The thrills of teen romance.

The parent’s concern is that this girl potentially has some ‘issues’, such as phobias about school and public transport, no friends and bulimic tendencies. The parent describes her as, “going nowhere in life” before meeting their son. Something reportedly confirmed by her own parents.

These star-crossed lovers are doing well for themselves though. She’s resumed school remotely and he has begun studying abroad alone. But now she’s wanting to join him overseas and his parents are alarmed. They worry that she is ‘suffocating’ him, that she’s adopting his dreams as her own.

Their son, for his part, seems keen to spend time with them and include his girlfriend. He asked to include his girlfriend in their summer holiday – they said no. He’s now visiting the UK and wants her to stay with them (she is currently in the UK not abroad) – again they’ve declined. He’s angry and is now planning to only stay with them briefly, then spend the rest of the week with her. The girl’s parents have no problem with the relationship.

The parent writes that they feel “terrified”, they feel their son is being “slowly suffocated”.

What’s missing?

Before we evaluate this situation, let’s look at all the many things we don’t know.

• Which parent is writing in? Is the concern shared equally?

• What’s going on in the parents’ lives? Are there siblings? Recent life changes? How are they feeling about their newly ‘empty nest’?

• Does their son have any flaws? Like many parents, they are quick to see the flaws of a new partner but is their son flawless?

• What was their relationship with their son like before the girlfriend?

• Have they tried to get to know his girlfriend?

• How did they come by this information about her mental health? Direct observation, diagnosis, second-hand?

• Why are her parents so quick to share negative details about their daughter with presumably near-strangers?

• Who suggested that she move abroad? Her, him or mutual?

• How have they communicated their worries to their son?

• Is their son genuinely happy in the relationship?

Most importantly, are there any clear indicators that this relationship is hurting their son?

The parent’s perspective

Their concerns aren’t baseless. A loving parent will worry if their ambitious, independent child seems to be merging entirely with a partner who appears emotionally fragile or dependent. They may have envisioned him thriving in his year abroad, exploring and making new friends, not potentially living with someone who studies remotely and might limit that growth.